Oh how I love summer!

Oh how I love summer!

So lately I’ve felt stressed, overwhelmed and anxious.  You see we have this super exciting thing happening in our home, we’re expecting another little family member.  Right now we’re 23 weeks along.  Yes, I know 23 weeks is a long time to keep this secret from my blog.  With our history of loosing Seth 28 weeks into pregnancy and being considered high risk with Damon the excitement of pregnancy in our home also comes with a whole other range of emotions.  I’ve done a fairly decent job managing the ups and downs this time around and my husband has been a huge help yet I’m still feeling so bogged down.  After much reflection I think these feelings come from a few simple factors.  I’m a perfectionist.  No no not the kind that actually produces perfect things{if there is such a perfectionist}.  Or the kind who has a perfectly decorated home.  I’m the kind of terrible self-defeating perfectionist who spends all day judging, comparing and tearing herself down.  It makes me so sad to come to this realization and embarrassed to share it with you.  But to me this blogging experience is about being honest and pushing myself in new ways.  Hopefully the entire experience will lead me to be a better mom and an all around happier person.  I used to give my sister Amanda grief over being a perfectionist but as I’ve become a mom and started to be more introspective I’ve learned that I’m beyond self-defeating.  No, no… please don’t feel bad for me! I’m learning… I’m growing… I WILL get better!

After dropping my husband off at work this morning I started to cry.  Why?  Because I’m pregnant and a perfectionist and we just left our super messy home for another 9-5 and because little Damon is so darn cute but I’m scared of bringing home our baby.  I gathered myself as cheery Damon kept saying “Mommy, mommy”  I know he really wanted to say “What’s wrong mom? Cheer up! Watch me mom, I’ll do something so silly you can’t help but laugh!”  Around the corner we drove, I wiped my tears and we made our way into Damon’s school.  As always he was happy to see his friends but sad to kiss mommy good bye for the day.  Walking from the Center into the bright summer sun made me realize I WANT TO BE THE PERSON EVERYONE THINKS I AM!  Sounds stupid right?  Here’s the deal I spend so much of my day as a prisoner of my perfectionist ways that I’m pretty sure no one has any idea how overwhelmed or hard on myself I’ve become.  They all see me the way I wish I could see myself.  And most reassuring Damon sees me that way too, he hasn’t yet seen this side of his mom.  I pray that I will be better soon and that he never knows me as the perfectionist mom who tears herself down with a smile on her face.  I don’t want him {or anyone} to know this pain.

Add in pinterest… oh how I love pinterest.

The problem is when I peruse pinterest I’m constantly doing that perfectionist thing.  Wishing I had time to have a perfect home or make top notch chocolate chip cookies {so delicious that I want to eat the computer screen}.  It’s a shame really that rather than simply seeing all of these awesome people and creations for amazing.  I somehow twist my amazement into a feeling of being inadequate.  BUT WAIT all hope is not lost!  I’ve decided I’m going to make these silly pins count!  They will become more than pins they will become an adventure to help me see my true creative potential and to ease up on myself. One small step towards becoming less of a perfectionist and more of the easygoing dreamer I dream of being again.

Please join the conversation:  How do you make your pins count?  Are you a recovering perfectionist?  If so how did you manage it?  THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT!  Time to start pinning with a purpose and being less critical of myself!

2 thoughts on “Aspiring

  1. Wow Erica, this post is so interesting to me. I’m so glad that you have the kind of self reflection that you do. As your sister, as you mentioned above, I too feel the same way about always trying to be perfect. And you are so right, it’s so much more than just wanting to “be perfect” at everything I do. It’s that we rate ourselves, and our successes or failures, against others. And when we realize that we have not made as beautiful of a painting, or come up with the same creative idea, or had the success that others have we feel like we’ve failed.

    I think that perfectionism all comes down to the psychological theory or a cognitive distortions that we have like “All-or-none thinking.” If we didn’t do the best at everything we feel like we have failed and are not perfect. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion
    http://stress.about.com/od/understandingstress/a/perfectionist.htm

    If And it’s REALLY hard to change something like this because we do it all day, everyday, and we have for years. And we do it when we don’t know we are doing it! So you’re right… we’ve got to work on this. 🙂 It probably will make us both so much happier if we could change our thoughts! (Great post, I love that you’re doing this website even though I’m sure in your mind it isn’t perfect.)

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