still a fairytale

Sunflower Peekaboo in Seth’s Garden

 

Six years ago this very moment my husband and I looked teary-eyed at our computer searching for a fitting name for our first baby.  We had been debating names for months.  In our fairy tale life we would have had another 85 days of expectant bliss to decide.  Sadly that wasn’t our reality.  We’d been thrust into a world of sadness we didn’t even know could exist.  July 29th, 2009 we received the most devastating news any parent can get.  “I’m sorry to have to tell you but your baby has died.”  To be honest I don’t even know if that’s how they said ‘it’ or for that matter who said ‘it’ but you get the point… NO fairy tale ending here!  I remember moments of those early days trying to comprehend what had happened to our precious child.  grief quote-with-imageJuly 29th we got the news.  We went home called our families and cried our eyes out.  We just rested there in our dark room curtains drawn as the clouds cried with us for days.

July 30th We ached.  Every ounce of my body ached still holding so strongly onto my baby I just couldn’t imagine how I would survive letting this life go.  We walked at our favorite local boardwalk.  Along a peaceful nature trail.  I worried that someone would ask when I was due surely that would be my undoing.  No one asked.  Later Brent re-proposed to me promising to love me despite all of this worry and sadness.

July 31st started early. We drove an empty car.  No car seat, no baby bag, no blanket, no camera {If you know anyone ever whose going to the hospital to have a stillborn or sick baby please encourage them to take along baby stuff!} Even just a toy or book, a camera, a blanket, an outfit… something!  We brought none of the beautiful snugly baby items we’d just received at our shower days before.  We didn’t know it was okay to bring stuff.  We must have talked on the drive but all I can recall is silence.  We agreed to take the long road so we didn’t have to relive this drive past the hospital.  Make this drive different from our everyday commute.

This is a different day one that we needed to embrace and love despite its harsh edges!

Most people would assume the story only got darker and more heart-wrenching from that moment on.  Somehow we mustered the strength to embrace the day and share teary-eyed forced smiles.  We loved!  After a full and painful labor our baby became our first son, Seth Alexander Danega.  Sure he was born still but he was STILL born.  He still lived, he is still one of my children, and he is still an amazing part of our lives!  He’s the reason I ached to welcome his little siblings.  He’s the reason I’ve worked to create My sOnflower.  He’s the reason I must carry on and share his story.  He’s one of the reasons I’m still so in love with his daddy!  He’s the reason I’m the daydreaming momma I am today. 🙂  Our time in that delivery room could have become a memory of agony and heartache but instead we choose to see his beauty and our love!  Go love on your babies dear one!  More posts to come about the ways we’ve chosen to embrace the love of our son Seth who was STILL born!  Tomorrow we have a 6th birthday to celebrate.

i choose joy

Please don’t read this and take away sorrow or sadness take away a message of loving unconditionally even when it’s hard.  Go do something wonderful today!

10 thoughts on “STILL a Fairy Tale

  1. Hi Erica, thanks for sharing. I sat here reading this with a photograph of my sweet Adelaide Jane Randall, our still born daughter, sitting on the shelf in front of me. It brought tears of joy and love to my eyes to read about your son. The precious gifts of love and life. They blessed us if only for a too short time.

    • Hi Sarah, thanks for reading and sharing about Adelaide Jane. You’re absolutely right that their existence is such a special blessing even if just for a fleeting moment. Thinking of you and your dear Adelaide!

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